I haven’t opened up about my past because the memories linger afterwards but I know once I do I’ll feel much better. I was abused all my life in the name of religion. My mom was sexually and physically abused by her father & was forced to give away her first child which I think triggered her to abuse me and my siblings.. From the time I can remember if I didn’t eat my breakfast my mom would get angry and to have me not leave the table I’d be strapped and belted to the chair for hours.. if I still declined to eat I’d be sent to my room and starved for a day or two to learn my lesson. None of my siblings were allowed near me during this time, I remember my sister and brother sneaking my food from underneath the door. When my mom would get angry she was extremely abusive.. I’ve just about every object broken over me before the age of 5. My mom would use kitchen utensils, wooden boards, studded belts, extension cords, if it was in hands reach it was used. If we moved, God forbid we move, we got beaten from head to toe. I remember one time I was about 4 years old and something had broke my mom trying to find out who didn’t but couldn’t beat all of us & me being the youngest I better “tell” on whoever did it. I really had no idea and was beaten so bad I remember not being able to use the bathroom cause my bottom was bruised so badly I would cry in pain so I ran to the neighbors house and hid under her coffee table begging her not to let my mom know I was there.If one of us didn’t take blame all of us were beaten for it, and the beatings were bad. I think it was more traumatizing hearing the screaming from the other room and the foot steps coming down the hall than it was actually facing the beating. I would take the blame for everything so the beating wasn’t as long, as bad, & at least some of us were okay. So for years I saw the most abuse than my siblings, I loved them and seeing them hurt hurt me worse than being hurt.. I was forced to room with a sibling 9 years older than me and not long after he moved in I started being sexually abused.. I was 11 when the sexual abuse stopped. I would cut to cope, & have taken 2 handfuls full of pills by 12, I remember my heart stopping & waking up in a pool of vomit 2 days later. I watched my mom abuse my dad until it caused him to have irreplaceable damage from heart attacks. I watched my mom try to stab my dad with a knife not be able to catch him & stab herself. My mother would orchestrate fights between the house & call 911 and tell them lies about my father trying to kill her. I’ve had a whole precinct have guns to my head and to my dogs over false allegations my mom made while I was a teenager. By the time I was able to leave the house I ended up in a domestic violence relationship where I wasn’t able to speak to anyone in my family. I would have people watch me while my ex was out of town. My ex would impregnate me and then beat me til I was no longer carrying.. I had a blood transfusion from losing so much blood from him kicking my sides and passed blood clots the size of a soft ball. He would abuse animals in front of me and when I would step in he would beat me til I was unconscious. He killed animals in front of me. He would start fights and when I would try to leave he would take guns around the house and shoot at me. One time I went with my dad to a families party came back, we had a roommate and I was beaten so bad I woke up butt naked with the front door wide open and when I talked to our roommate he told me he heard my ex giving me CPR in the bathroom and throw me in the shower and was crying to wake up. He would stab me in the leg with chop sticks & make me walk home from the restaurant. He bit my leg until it was black because he had misplaced money and thought I had stolen it. The night he was arrested was thanksgiving where he accused me of sleeping with his friend while we were at his friends house & took me home where he beat me & as I ran for the door took his pistol and shot at me & jumped on me bashed my head with the gun and choked me out. When I moved in with a sibling to get back on my feet if I didn’t give them money or if I didn’t agree with them I was abused. I was beat one time over money or something else and he had sat there hitting me & I head butt the Arcadia window to escape! Once I starting dating my now fiancé my sibling quit talking to me & said I am dead to them. It’s been almost 4 years now since we’ve spoke. I almost lost my son during child birth & my dad upset I didn’t “call him” when I was in labor when it was an emergency and didn’t see him until he was 2 months old. My mom showed up at the hospital when I had my son (I didn’t invite her it had been 5 years since we spoke) and humiliated me about being sexually abused & how I allowed “my brother who fucked me as a child” at my baby shower and not her mind you I’m having my staples removed during this time so I was in an extremely vulnerable position enough as is.. I don’t have a relationship with my mother for many many reasons but mainly she is unsafe to be around my child. I just recently started seeing a trauma therapist to help me cope with everything I’ve been through. Thanks to therapy I don’t feel like the egg that finally cracked anymore