My take away

My last session with my therapist we were talking about anxiety & stress, she had mentioned when I start to feel anxious or stressed out to draw. The point is to see if there is a visible change as I calm down.. well here it is. Yesterday was stressful for me so I started in the middle of an episode and worked my way out of it here are the results..

My take away: When we feel empty, we tend to fill our lives to fill the void we feel inside. Don’t make permanent decisions out of temporary emptiness. There is always a bigger picture even if it’s too overwhelming to see ❤️

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This is my story

I haven’t opened up about my past because the memories linger afterwards but I know once I do I’ll feel much better. I was abused all my life in the name of religion. My mom was sexually and physically abused by her father & was forced to give away her first child which I think triggered her to abuse me and my siblings.. From the time I can remember if I didn’t eat my breakfast my mom would get angry and to have me not leave the table I’d be strapped and belted to the chair for hours.. if I still declined to eat I’d be sent to my room and starved for a day or two to learn my lesson. None of my siblings were allowed near me during this time, I remember my sister and brother sneaking my food from underneath the door. When my mom would get angry she was extremely abusive.. I’ve just about every object broken over me before the age of 5. My mom would use kitchen utensils, wooden boards, studded belts, extension cords, if it was in hands reach it was used. If we moved, God forbid we move, we got beaten from head to toe. I remember one time I was about 4 years old and something had broke my mom trying to find out who didn’t but couldn’t beat all of us & me being the youngest I better “tell” on whoever did it. I really had no idea and was beaten so bad I remember not being able to use the bathroom cause my bottom was bruised so badly I would cry in pain so I ran to the neighbors house and hid under her coffee table begging her not to let my mom know I was there.If one of us didn’t take blame all of us were beaten for it, and the beatings were bad. I think it was more traumatizing hearing the screaming from the other room and the foot steps coming down the hall than it was actually facing the beating. I would take the blame for everything so the beating wasn’t as long, as bad, & at least some of us were okay. So for years I saw the most abuse than my siblings, I loved them and seeing them hurt hurt me worse than being hurt.. I was forced to room with a sibling 9 years older than me and not long after he moved in I started being sexually abused.. I was 11 when the sexual abuse stopped. I would cut to cope, & have taken 2 handfuls full of pills by 12, I remember my heart stopping & waking up in a pool of vomit 2 days later. I watched my mom abuse my dad until it caused him to have irreplaceable damage from heart attacks. I watched my mom try to stab my dad with a knife not be able to catch him & stab herself. My mother would orchestrate fights between the house & call 911 and tell them lies about my father trying to kill her. I’ve had a whole precinct have guns to my head and to my dogs over false allegations my mom made while I was a teenager. By the time I was able to leave the house I ended up in a domestic violence relationship where I wasn’t able to speak to anyone in my family. I would have people watch me while my ex was out of town. My ex would impregnate me and then beat me til I was no longer carrying.. I had a blood transfusion from losing so much blood from him kicking my sides and passed blood clots the size of a soft ball. He would abuse animals in front of me and when I would step in he would beat me til I was unconscious. He killed animals in front of me. He would start fights and when I would try to leave he would take guns around the house and shoot at me. One time I went with my dad to a families party came back, we had a roommate and I was beaten so bad I woke up butt naked with the front door wide open and when I talked to our roommate he told me he heard my ex giving me CPR in the bathroom and throw me in the shower and was crying to wake up. He would stab me in the leg with chop sticks & make me walk home from the restaurant. He bit my leg until it was black because he had misplaced money and thought I had stolen it. The night he was arrested was thanksgiving where he accused me of sleeping with his friend while we were at his friends house & took me home where he beat me & as I ran for the door took his pistol and shot at me & jumped on me bashed my head with the gun and choked me out. When I moved in with a sibling to get back on my feet if I didn’t give them money or if I didn’t agree with them I was abused. I was beat one time over money or something else and he had sat there hitting me & I head butt the Arcadia window to escape! Once I starting dating my now fiancé my sibling quit talking to me & said I am dead to them. It’s been almost 4 years now since we’ve spoke. I almost lost my son during child birth & my dad upset I didn’t “call him” when I was in labor when it was an emergency and didn’t see him until he was 2 months old. My mom showed up at the hospital when I had my son (I didn’t invite her it had been 5 years since we spoke) and humiliated me about being sexually abused & how I allowed “my brother who fucked me as a child” at my baby shower and not her mind you I’m having my staples removed during this time so I was in an extremely vulnerable position enough as is.. I don’t have a relationship with my mother for many many reasons but mainly she is unsafe to be around my child. I just recently started seeing a trauma therapist to help me cope with everything I’ve been through. Thanks to therapy I don’t feel like the egg that finally cracked anymore

Stuck

Lately I’ve been feeling stuck.. Stuck in the house, stuck in this financial situation, stuck in this fog, stuck in the same repetitiveness. I am craving a change, I need a change. I’m sick of wanting to get out more.. I’m sick of wanting to feel better, I want to DO better. I want to make plans and stick with it, I want to do a finally fulfill the list of things I crave to do. I’ve poured myself into people until I have nothing left, I can’t pour from an empty cup; I am an empty cup.

I need to be full again, I crave to be full again. I crave to help, I crave to create, I crave the more I am empty. I forgive myself; for allowing others to take all I have, for not giving myself better, for giving my power away, for my destructive behaviors, for the survival patterns I’ve picked up during my traumas, for not being who I need to be because I am broken.

I have allowed myself to break, I allowed my soul to be crushed, I’ve given every fiber of my being to make others happy. Enough is enough. I am worth more, my sanity is worth more. I can’t lose myself any longer: Mask off. I am exhausted, I surrender. I’m stuck on an emotional roller coaster; I’m stuck on the ups & downs, why can’t I step off. Why can’t I close my eyes? Why must I endure this stomach wrenching pain? Why when I cry, must my head feel like it’s going to explode? I can’t even properly cope with life anymore.

C-PTSD is a bitch. Soul suckers are bitches. I’m going to start doing all that I crave; & Fuck who I lose on the way

I’m not allowed to talk about my abuse

I’m not allowed to talk about my abuse, I’ve never been acknowledged about my abuse, and if I bring it up they lose their shit! But, why? It was I that lost my innocence, all trust. It was me.. I’m not allowed to speak to my father about the abuse, it makes him uncomfortable. Him!? It made me uncomfortable too. My siblings that know don’t believe me.

I read something recently about gaslighting, and if you don’t know what that means I highly suggest doing some research! It talked about how it is the highest level of emotional abuse because you alter the persons sense of reality. And if you have ever questioned “Am I going crazy” this maybe for you. The answer is No, you’re not going crazy! You’re being manipulated into thinking what you know to be true is in fact not. My advice to you? Don’t let anyone take your voice! Don’t allow anyone to alter your sense of reality. How do you not allow them that power? Stay consistent, stay defiant. But understand, they will never acknowledge your abuse or their behavior. Once you accept that, healing will come much easier.

I wish I would have gone to therapy sooner, I wish I didn’t give certain people the power to control my thoughts, feelings, & emotions. I wish I wouldn’t have allowed them to break me down, but I really wish I didn’t have to be so guarded. I wish I could learn how to trust, fully trust. I question everything, I overthink just about every conversation. I dissect body language and physical emotions, I am still triggered by anger & rage.

With the help of my trauma therapist I will be learning coping mechanisms, ways to not feel so anxious by everything. I’m learning to speak about my abuse, the louder I speak the more others feel comfortable speak up about theirs. I’m learning to not be ashamed for what I’ve been through, I’m learning to love myself in a whole new light ❤️ If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others, you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself!

Let’s talk Depression

Hello readers, if any at all. Let’s talk depression!

How many of you have went to bed feeling defeated? Hell, how many of you haven’t even gotten out of bed for days because you are feeling defeated? I’m here with you.

Depression for me, looked like not brushing my hair for days, if not weeks. Not showering, It looked like crumbling under pressure, hating every fiber of my being.. It looked like two Walmart bags full of hair because I was so stressed out. It looked like isolating myself from everyone out of fear.

The worst part about depression? You appear fine, you’re not physically deteriorating like you are mentally and emotionally. You feel like you’re drowning when you’re above water. The worst part is no one can see how broken you truly are, even if you told them they wouldn’t understand. It’s ok to not be okay! It’s ok to have bad days, it’s ok if you don’t do that load of laundry today or this week! Don’t be so hard on yourself my love! It’s ok! Youre more loved than you know, you’re stronger than you think.. & One day, you’ll be yourself again!

Let me say this… YOU DONT HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE OKAY! You don’t have to pretend you have it all together! You don’t have to pretend to be happy, you’re perfectly fine being where you are! With every test comes a testimony, and one day you’ll be picking people up with your story! You see I don’t envy people who have it all together, I envy the ones who are perfectly imperfect! The ones that embrace the chaos, the ones that have this sense of peace through the crazy! I aspire to be like you!

Don’t count the bad days, count the times you felt like you couldn’t stand but did! Count the times you felt like giving up, but pushed through! You are resilient! You see nothing but damaged goods, I see something good in the making!! You’re not finished yet! When you see broken I see mended!

Feel free to reach out, to me, loved ones! You’re never alone, chances are someone feels the same way too! We all have been fragile, reach out! Speak up! I’m not okay today and that’s ok